Let me tell you a story...
Jun. 1st, 2005 02:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tirsdenOnce upon a time, not long before I left my soon-to-be-ex-husband, I tried out an online dating site that had been featured in The Washington Post. I'm not even sure where the site is anymore, I may have put the article in my scrapbook. Anyways, this site hardly worked unless you paid money or left your email address hidden somewhere in your profile, but through it I met this guy. He was an independent film producer of some sort who lived in New Jersey. He never said much in his emails, and I said a lot in mine, random stuff, things I was worried about, whatever was on my mind at the times I could write. And to make a not very long story even shorter, he was enamored with me.
He begged me to call him in every email. He gave me his number. He begged for mine. He wanted to talk to me, meet me, see me, anything. I was too scared. Things were horrible where I was, and I thought that either I'd get caught talking to this guy (there was no phone in the house, only my ex's cell phone, assuming he hadn't taken it to work), or Mr. New Jersey would just be another jerk out there ready and able to hurt me. I was so nervous about even communicating with him on any level that sometimes it would take me a week or two just to log into the email account I was using to talk to him.
Then one day he sent me an email while he was drunk. When I got around to reading it, I thought it was hilarious. He must have checked his sent mail the next day and was horrified at what he'd done. He wrote me an apology, as if he had done the cruelest thing in the world, and said he understood if I hated him and never talked to him again. Geez, the stuff he'd said wasn't that bad and in truth some of it was closer on target than he may have guessed. And really, I found the goofy thing rather endearing in a strange way. But you see, the problem is, this was during one very long stretch of me being too scared to check my email. So by the time I checked it, it had probably been close to a month. As in, it'd been a month since he'd written me that drunk email and apologized. He probably thought I hated him. He probably assumed I'd read the email(s) sooner than I did, and was ignoring him for good.
I sent him an email as soon as I'd read his last two, and several emails after that, even after leaving my ex, telling him that I wasn't mad at him, etc. But I've never heard back. I log into that old email account every once in a blue moon just to see if he believed that he hadn't hurt me... I wonder if he stopped checking that email account. When he found me through the dating site, he took his profile down because he said I was the only woman he wanted and had no reason to further advertise himself.
So, what does this mean? I dunno. Fate, destiny, whatever it is, if it exists, is a weird thing. Looking back, I can see that this guy possibly could have rescued me from the life I was in at the time, but how would I know if I could trust him? I mean, I was considering trying to find a battered women's shelter during that period. I didn't take the chance on him... he probably would have come picked me up if I had asked him too. But how would he know that the two of us would really hit it off well enough to have a future together? If it hadn't worked, where would that have put me? Maybe those are silly questions to ask, or maybe they are important. I don't know. And I guess I never will, because whatever it could have been, whatever chance I had with him is gone.
I've called this piece "call me call me" because I was listening to a lot of Cowboy Bebop mp3s during the time I communicated with this mystery guy. The title and lyrics to the song "Call Me Call Me" really hit home on the things he was saying to me, especially how he was begging me to call all the time. I even used the password "callmecallme" on all my Diablo II games, in memory of him, even up to the time I cleaned out and left behind my last remaining character. Every time I hear that song, I think of the guy in New Jersey who might have made life totally different for me. It is a regretful, yet fond feeling.
Please won't you call and
Ease my mind
Reasons for me to find you
Peace of mind
What can I do
To get me to you
He begged me to call him in every email. He gave me his number. He begged for mine. He wanted to talk to me, meet me, see me, anything. I was too scared. Things were horrible where I was, and I thought that either I'd get caught talking to this guy (there was no phone in the house, only my ex's cell phone, assuming he hadn't taken it to work), or Mr. New Jersey would just be another jerk out there ready and able to hurt me. I was so nervous about even communicating with him on any level that sometimes it would take me a week or two just to log into the email account I was using to talk to him.
Then one day he sent me an email while he was drunk. When I got around to reading it, I thought it was hilarious. He must have checked his sent mail the next day and was horrified at what he'd done. He wrote me an apology, as if he had done the cruelest thing in the world, and said he understood if I hated him and never talked to him again. Geez, the stuff he'd said wasn't that bad and in truth some of it was closer on target than he may have guessed. And really, I found the goofy thing rather endearing in a strange way. But you see, the problem is, this was during one very long stretch of me being too scared to check my email. So by the time I checked it, it had probably been close to a month. As in, it'd been a month since he'd written me that drunk email and apologized. He probably thought I hated him. He probably assumed I'd read the email(s) sooner than I did, and was ignoring him for good.
I sent him an email as soon as I'd read his last two, and several emails after that, even after leaving my ex, telling him that I wasn't mad at him, etc. But I've never heard back. I log into that old email account every once in a blue moon just to see if he believed that he hadn't hurt me... I wonder if he stopped checking that email account. When he found me through the dating site, he took his profile down because he said I was the only woman he wanted and had no reason to further advertise himself.
So, what does this mean? I dunno. Fate, destiny, whatever it is, if it exists, is a weird thing. Looking back, I can see that this guy possibly could have rescued me from the life I was in at the time, but how would I know if I could trust him? I mean, I was considering trying to find a battered women's shelter during that period. I didn't take the chance on him... he probably would have come picked me up if I had asked him too. But how would he know that the two of us would really hit it off well enough to have a future together? If it hadn't worked, where would that have put me? Maybe those are silly questions to ask, or maybe they are important. I don't know. And I guess I never will, because whatever it could have been, whatever chance I had with him is gone.
I've called this piece "call me call me" because I was listening to a lot of Cowboy Bebop mp3s during the time I communicated with this mystery guy. The title and lyrics to the song "Call Me Call Me" really hit home on the things he was saying to me, especially how he was begging me to call all the time. I even used the password "callmecallme" on all my Diablo II games, in memory of him, even up to the time I cleaned out and left behind my last remaining character. Every time I hear that song, I think of the guy in New Jersey who might have made life totally different for me. It is a regretful, yet fond feeling.
Please won't you call and
Ease my mind
Reasons for me to find you
Peace of mind
What can I do
To get me to you
