Real Men, Real Role Players, Loonies, Psychotics, Munchkins

[tirsden]

I found this at the Funny Farm Forum while looking up Dungeons and Dragon stuff. It's very long, about a pen & paper roleplaying game I've never heard of (Rifts), and definitely quite amusing. XD

There is one possible typo in the text due to a smiley from the original post. I think the text in question says "(PP: 8)" but if you know it's wrong please let me know what it probably should be instead. I also fixed some other obvious typos and formatting errors.


Real Men, Real Role Players, Loonies, Psychotics, Munchkins
(RPG: Rifts. Source: Funny Farm Forum)

Favorite OCC or RCC:

Real Men: play Borgs, Power Armor Pilots, and Juicers
Real Role-players: play Rogue Scientists, City Rats and Cyber-Knights
Loonies: play Crazies and Shapers
Psychopaths: play Demons, Vampires, and Kreeghor
Munchkins: play whatever has the most MDC (usually an Apok/Juicer/Cosmo-Knight/Glitter Boy combination)

Favorite non-weapon skill:

Real Men: take boxing, for the extra attack
Real Role-players: take science or language skills
Loonies: take engineering and chemistry for their practical joke value
Psychopaths: take prowl, 'cuz, "It's more fun when they don't see it coming."
Munchkins: don't understand why skills not associated with weapons are important

Favorite weapon:

Real Men: use rail guns and missile launchers
Real Role-players: use long bows and neural maces
Loonies: use Nerf weapons
Psychopaths: use knives. VERY big knives.
Munchkins: use a mini-gun made out of six Boom Guns custom fit with ACME™ recoil suppressors

Favorite body armor:

Real Men: prefer power armor or exoskeletons
Real Role-players: wear Triax "plain clothes" armor
Loonies: wrap themselves in toilet paper
Psychopaths: wear Coalition armor, for the death's-head motif
Munchkins: wear the Invulnerable Coat of Arnd plus a never-needs recharging Naruni force field with 250,000 MDC

Favorite power armor:

Real Men: wear anything that gives them enough PS to carry around real weapons or has its own B.F.G.
Real Role-players: hide behind the Real Men
Loonies: use anything with reactive armor
Psychopaths: Super SAMAS (they're nicknamed Grinning Demons, they HAVE to be cool!)
Munchkins: don't use anything with under 1,000 MDC

Favorite robotic vehicle:

Real Men: prefer Coalition bots (for the look), or the Triax Devastator (for the firepower)
Real Role-players: prefer Behemoth explorers (with lots of space for keepsakes and research)
Loonies: still prefer anything with reactive armor
Psychopaths: Hellraisers, Hellraisers, Hellraisers!!!
Munchkins: use the Death Star

Favorite cyberware:

Real Men: like bionic limbs and/or bionic reconstruction
Real Role-players: choose fingerjacks or translators
Loonies: like plastic vampire teeth and fake blood
Psychopaths: love bionic blasters and vibro-blades
Munchkins: take what ever will give them the most MDC bonuses

When cornered in a fire fight:

Real Men: smile and keep on shooting
Real Role-players: negotiate with their attackers
Loonies: feign death
Psychopaths: charge their attackers, weapons blazing, shrieking obscenities and blasphemy.
Munchkins: rift in 50 adult dragons and hundred-handed

Find employment as:

Real Men: bodyguards and mercenaries
Real Role-players: spies and scholars
Loonies: head of Coalition-Atlantis relations office
Psychopaths: postal workers
Munchkins: depose Splynn and take over the Megaverse

Favorite place:

Real Men: Germany, for the constant battles
Real Role-players: Wormwood, for the new culture
Loonies: the bathtub, for undersea adventures
Psychopaths: anywhere with lots of "innocent bystanders."
Munchkins: like to go where they can get the most credits

Favorite things to do at a Millennium Tree:

Real Men: Wants to get every magic item the tree can make.
Real Role-players: Want to learn from the tree and will return all magic items to the tree.
Loonies: Tries to tap the tree to get maple syrup for his/her pancakes.
Psychopaths: Get themselves a ton of chemical defoliant, and spray it all over the place, laughing maniacally as the benevolent, magical, home to a thousand people begins to wilt and die.
Munchkins: Tries to get the G.M. to allow him/her to shrink the tree down to the size of a staff. With the ability to kill Gods, Alien/Vampire Intelligences with a single blow.

Favorite Spell:

Real Men: don't play spell casters, but like Superhuman Strength
Real Role-players: like anything associated with communication
Loonies: use Blinding Flash so as to conserve their camera batteries
Psychopaths: Agony and Life Drain, of course
Munchkins: wish there were as many spells as Dungeons and Dragons

Favorite psionic power:

Real Men: love Sixth Sense and Mind Block
Real Role-players: prefer Object Read and Empathy
Loonies: like Hydrokinesis so they can sense open water within a 20' radius
Psychopaths: enjoy Pyrokinesis and Bio-Manipulation
Munchkins: have them all at first level

When faced down by an adult dragon with force fields thick enough to bounce ping pong balls off of:

Real Men: Open up with full melee sprays until their weapon systems of their huge bot vehicles overheat
Real Role-Players: Summon an anti-magic cloud and go Heeh-heeh! Sorry about your life!
Loonies: Strike a bargain with the enemy
Psychopaths: Giggle and say, "Hey, you're pretty cool. Wanna go commit some atrocities together?"
Munchkins: Bring in the SDF-3 out of orbit, do a body-block ram that does 10D20 x 1000 MDC.

When faced by any frustrating situations:

Real Men: Bash it with their vibro-axe
Real Role-Players: Check their skill sheets for anything which might have the slightest value in that situation.
Loonies: Bash it with their rubber chicken.
Psychopaths: Walk away and find a small, furry animal (for reasons better left unsaid)
Munchkins: Bash it with their greatest rune sword before starting a running fire fight with the other PCs out of boredom

When the character is out of ammo and in a town:

Real Men: Tromp into the nearest pub, pull out a gun and yell at the top of their lungs "WHERE THE HELL'S A WEAPONS DEALER! IF I DON'T FIND OUT I'LL PLUG SOMEBODY!"
Real Role-players: Roll on their streetwise skill, and ask the GM what's available.
Loonies: Screw the town, go into a forest, find a rubber tree, and make bullets out of THAT! (Even for Energy Weapons).
Psychopaths: Kill the Town mayor and steal his ammo.
Munchkins: Ammo? What's ammo?

When Trying to extend their rations:

Real Men:steal from the real Role Players
Real Role players: Use Resist hunger Psionic power
Loonies: Steal from the real Men
Alt: Loonies: Chase after butterflies and eat dandelions.
Psychopath:kill their "comrades" and use them and their rations for food
Munchkin:"Extend my Rations? you mean they're suppost to go down, as in lose food?"

When the rations finally do run out:

Real Men: Aren't phased, they've already killed half the deer in the state just because they think hunting is macho, so they aren't going to starve for a long time.
Real Roleplayers: Start using their knowledge of the woodlands to live off the land without exhausting the surrounding eco-system.
Loonies: Don't see the problem, as it's a proven scientific fact that mud and butterfies are good for you.
Psycopaths: Are really in a bind, because this means that they've eaten everyone else and no longer have any human shields.
Munchkins: Realise that the GM is actually keeping track of how much their character ate, and claim that they purchased two years worth of rations back in Chi-Town.

Favorite food:

Real Men: MEAT, a 12 lbs worth of steak for an appatiser
Real Role Players: All foods but tends to eat more healthy and less sugar
Loonies: Twinkies and SPAM!
Psychopaths: other PCs
Munchkins: Really doesn't eat but if he would, it'll have to be the powers of the G.M.

Favorite musical instrument:

Real Men: guitars or anything else that makes them look macho
Real Role Players: violins and other classical instruments
Loonies: enjoy eye flutes
Psychopaths: novelty dart guns built into flutes
Munchkins: TRUMPET of ODIN

When Signing up to Join the CS Army:

Real Men: Sign up as grunts and robot pilots, for the combat.
Role-Players: Sign up as RCSG scientists, in order to learn about new and different life-forms.
Loonies: Claim to be the long-lost Prosek brother, and demand to be made heir to the throne.
Psychopaths: Sign up specifically for the "helpless D-Bee extermination" unit, for fun and profit.
Munchkins: Use their magical crown of psychic enslavement to take control of the entire city of Chi-Town, and use the entire Coalition army to invade and conquer other dimensions.

When At the Local Magic Shoppe:

Real Men: Ask where they keep the TW Laser Rifles and TW grenades.
Real Role-Players: Ask where they could find a well-learned wizard to help them decipher an ancient scroll they found during their travels.
Loonies: Distract the proprietor, then eat all the Faerie Food.
Psychopaths: They also look for Faerie Food. Not food made by Faeries, but actual, chocolate dipped, pixies.
Munchkins: Look at the rune swords on display, scoff, and say, "How mundane."

When Escaping From the Atlantean Arena:

Real Men: Knock out a Kittani guard, then grab his guns and shoot his way out of captivity.
Real Role-Players: Make an incredibly complex plan to escape, tunneling into water and sewage lines, and then crawling to freedom.
Loonies: Demand a transfer to the "Meat Department."
Psychopaths: Perform such brutal atrocities in the ring that even the Splugorth are disgusted. Despite their wishes to stay, the Splugorth kick them out of the arena.
Munchkins: Demand to fight Splynncryth himself, knowing that they can easily kill him and take his throne.

When on Wormwood:

Real Men: Join the Knights of the Hospitalers in the battle against the evil minions of the Unholy.
Real Role-Players: Befriend Wormspeakers or Priests of Light, and follow these beings around in order to gain more insight into the nature of Wormwood.
Loonies: Run around the streets of Cathedral in a monster costume, yelling, "I'm the Unholy! I'm the Unholy! Booga booga boo!"
Psychopaths: Visit the Unholy, and take detailed notes on his style.
Munchkins: Strike the surface of the Living Planet with their incredible rune sword of ultra-soul drinking, killing Wormwood with one blow.

When questioning a prisoner or suspect:

Real Men: Remind them that they know where they live, they've been watching and if they spill the beans now they can avoid trouble later.
Real Role-Players: Have a quiet non-threatening mono a mono discussion with them listening to all their stories about their traumatic childhood whilst scanning them with empathy.
Loonies: Lock themselves in a padded room with the suspect bringing only a feather and a wet towel.
Psychopaths: Tie the suspect down onto a table under a heat lamp and start peeling skin off one layer at a time while asking questions slowly in a whisper.
Munchkins: Cut the suspects head off with their Reflex-Sword and put it through their Brain-Scanner 2000.

When they find an explosive in the city:

Real Men: grab it, shove it in their rocket launcher and watch it fly away.
Real Role-Players: meticulously take the bomb apart piece by piece.
Loonies: take out the knife and fork and get to work.
Psychopaths: don't care because they planted it.
Munchkins: do the same as loonies (minus the knife and fork) and not only demand that it counts as their meal but that they get self-sacrifice and whine when they don't get their 500-700 experience.

The Bar Room additions

When a fight in a bar breaks out:

Real Men: Grab a chair and get to work
Real Role-Players: Use the distraction to slip into the back room and discover the drug ring run by the barman
Loonies: Leap behind the bar to better protect the sweet, nourishing beer. From this defensible position they start making eyes at the barmen.
Psychopaths: Pull out the vibro-knives and get to work
Munchkins: Remind the GM that they're still wearing their Glitter Boy, then whip out the six-boom-gun minigun and get to work.

At the card table:

Real Men: Play to win, drink hard, and inevitably start a brawl when they accuse someone of cheating.
Real Role-Players: Make a killing with their gambling skills, before inevitably starting a brawl when accused of cheating.
Loonies: Inevitably start a brawl when they suggest a game of strip poker and try to take off half of everyone's clothes to up the stakes.
Psychopaths: Play cards to try and look like real people before inevitably starting a brawl when the guy sitting next to them mysteriously gets a knife in the guts.
Munchkins: Only play if the GM stuffed up and made ridiculously easy odds on the card table before inevitably starting a brawl when accused of blocking the entrance with their SDF-1

Ordering drinks:

Real Men: Cold beer and hard spirits, straight up.
Real Role-Players: Have already picked a favorite drink, typically a hard to make cocktail. They will inevitably ask for an experience bonus for their excellent playing in character.
Loonies: a bottle of vodka to start things off, served out of a novelty beer-holder hat. After one sip, they will DEMAND to have drunk penalties applied, and begin to crack on to bikers.
Psychopaths: Aren't drinking tonight because they poisoned the beer.
Munchkins: Whatever it is, they will NEVER accept drunk penalties, nor will they deduct any cash from their total to pay for it.

When the cops show up with guns blazing:

Real Men: Dive behind the bar, collapsing the far wall with their grenade launcher.
Real Role-Players: Use Simple Invisibility to escape unnoticed, returning later to rescue his companions with a MacGyver style jury rigged contraption which took five minutes to build using his incredible arsenal of skills.
Loonies: Leap on a table and do a five minute freestyle rap about how police are destroying the soul of the black man.
Psychopaths: Don't really care, as the excellently timed fire in the nearby hospital will distract the cops long enough to stab his companions in the backs and escape.
Munchkins: Don't really care. Their "Amulet of Ridiculously powerful force fields" should be able to stop anything smaller than a large planetoid.

When the barman starts talking about recent events:

Real Men: Go off and either play cards or punch someone out. They know the Roleplayer will deal with this one.
Real Role-Players: will take longhand notes of everything said, and do a key word search on the database of barman gossip they've already accumulated.
Loonies: Put a table cloth over the barman's head and begin an impromptu session of Dutch Ovens, accompanied by an identical Dutch Oven attack against the GM.
Psychopaths: Pay close attention to the information on slaver activity. He's thinking about knocking off a certain preschool, but needs a bit of extra manpower to do a proper job.
Munchkins: Get bored of this non combat activity. While no one else is watching, they add a few points to all their attributes and an extra zero on their cash total.

Real Men Hit Chi-Town

In the Burbs:

Real Men Visit their Black Market contact and get a bigger gun.
Real Role-Players: Visit the local bars and inns to ply the workers for information or teach a small D-Bee child how to read.
Loonies: Frolic through the streets, singing a lounge lizard adaptation of the theme song to "Friends." After this, they'll walk behind people muttering loudly to no one in particular.
Psychopaths: Send fake orders to Dog Boy squads and watch while large sections of the town are razed.
Munchkins: Start fights.

At the City Gate:

Real Men; Glare at the gaurds as they turn over their weapon belts.
Real Role-Players: Get through without a hitch, even with psi-powers and magic, thanks to creative use of skills and cunning.
Loonies: Ask the Dog Boys if they could spare any Kibbles 'n Bits.
Psychopaths: Pull out a fur rug and ask the Dog Boys if it looks familiar.
Munchkins: Walk up to the gates and start shooting the instant they see Dead Boy armor.

While shopping:

Real Men: Buy weapons and survival equipment from legit (and not so legit) dealers.
Real Role-Players: Buy illegal chemistry and physics textbooks, through the Black Market.
Loonies: Rubber chickens, rubber chickens, rubber chickens! Rubber chickens and dog vomit. Rubber chickens, dog vomit, and whatever the person in front of them in line is getting.
Psychopaths: Buy a number of innocent looking household and garden implements, particularly aerosol cleaners and knife sharpeners.
Munchkins: Don't understand why you have to go to stores to buy things.

When they finally get access to the main computer net:

Real Men: Implant a virus that destroyes the CS military communications network.
Real Role-Players: Implant a trojan horse that copies all information out of all databases, then gives the information away to the resistance group they met in the Burbs.
Loonies: Implant a virus that causes all Skelebots and other unmanned robots to start performing the mime interpretation of the Macarana.
Psychopaths: Implant a virus that introduces select changes into the Chi-Town environmental systems, such as zero oxygen or 100% oxygen.
Munchkins: Get mad at the GM because they forgot to take Computer Operations skill.

When they finally get access to the Chi-Town Library:

Real Men: Immediately seek out Sun-Tzu's The Art of War.
Real Role-Players Immediately seek out The Oddessy.
Loonies: Immediately seek out all copies of back episodes of Red Dwarf, MST3K, and Monty Python's Flying Circus.
Psychopaths: Whip out a flamethrower and go to town.
Munchkins: Get mad at the GM because they forgot to take Literacy skill.

When they finally get an audiance with the Proseks:

Real Men: Exact cold vengence.
Real Role-Players Do the same thing as Real Men, but in such a way that doesn't get them and their group killed, usually involving of physics and chemistry.
Loonies: Ask if they really can cure personality disorders, and if any of the local doctors will prescribe them. ("I swear that he looked like an a...")
Psychopaths: Rat
Munchkins: Absorb them into the Collective.

After being arrested by the ISS:

Real Men: Plan a daring escape, using high explosives as a diversion.
Real Role-Players: Demand to play out the entire trial sequence.
Loonies: Ask if they can call their Psychic Friend.
Psychopaths: Get into the woodshop activity group.
Munchkins: Don't get arrested, since they can kill everyone in Chi-Town.

Battle Cries:

Real Men: "For honor and glory!"
Real Roleplayers: "Once more unto the breech, dear friends!" or "Come, villian! Will you walk?"
Loonies: "SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"
Psychopaths: "Women and children first!"
Munchkins: Too busy concentrating on the complexities of a BFG to worry about a battle cry.

Defining diplomacy:

Real Men: "The art of saying 'Nice Doggy' until you can find a big stick."
Real Roleplayers: Spend two hours on it, citing the 50 treaties they forged with various nations last week as proof.
Loonies: "The art of saying 'Nice Doggy' until you can find a box of milkbones."
Psychopaths: "The art of saying 'Nice Doggy' believably while you're skinning it alive."
Munchkins: Wilk's 457 Laser Pulse Rifle

When walking into a bar:

Real Men: Sidle up to the bar and order something strong.
Real Roleplayers: Either ply the bartender for info or complain that all adventures start in bars.
Loonies: Act drunk until someone points out that they haven't ordered anything yet.
Psychopaths: Go to the fat man in the white suit who sits in the corner booth and either sells out the party or sells his own services as an... extractor of information.
Munchkins: Order a lot of drinks that don't exist because they're not old enough to go into real bars.

Necessary motivation to get them to jump through a Rift:

Real Men: A horde of rampaging Juicers.
Real Roleplayers: Mentioning the possibilities offered by a new culture.
Loonies: Mentioning the possibility of being Rifted into Toon.
Psychopaths: Mentioning the possibilities offered by a new population to plunder.
Munchkins: Mentioning the possibility of getting that spell "Enslave Intelligence".

When looking out over a battlefield:

Real Men: Get a determined look on their face and a tighter grip on their Wilk's Rifle.
Real Roleplayers: Get a mournful look on their face before launching into a ten minute speech on the horrors of war.
Loonies: Get confused because they don't understand why this scene was put into the game.
Psychopaths: Ask if there are any nearby bodies they can loot and, if not, there is anyone nearby they can make dead so they can loot the body.
Munchkins: Say "Finally! Now the real roleplaying begins!"

When looking out over a desolate wilderness area:

Real Men: Get a determined look on their face and a tighter grip on their Wilk's Rifle.
Real Roleplayers: Say "Finally! Now the real roleplaying begins!"
Loonies: Get the sudden urge to collect sap and use it for almost-benign purposes.
Psychopaths: Get the sudden urge to collect sap and use it for nowhere-near-benign purposes.
Munchkins: Say "How much XP do I get per use of a skill?"

When looking out over a city:

Real Men: Ask the locals about bars and inns, because there are plenty of fights to go around, but good food and a warm bed are hard to find.
Real Roleplayers: Do the same thing as Real Men, because that's where the most plot-revealing information can be found (unlike the library or mechanic shop, as they'd prefer).
Loonies: Do the same thing as Real Men, because if they don't hang with the others, they'll probably get killed.
Psychopathes: Do the same thing as Real Men, because there are more drunk and sleeping mar... I mean, people in those places.
Munchkins: Do the same thing as Real Men, because they need a place to "modify" their weapons and equipment and start fights.

After finding the Long Lost Triange of Zinthar:

Real Men: Ask if they can become Mecha-Real Men.
Real Roleplayers: Hide it from the forces of evil, turning it into the main plot element of a completely new campaign.
Loonies: Hide it in their shoes.
Psychopaths: Sell it to Barbara Striesand.
Munchkins: Don't get the reference, because their not old enough to watch South Park.

Greatest fear:

Real Men: Dying without honor.
Real Roleplayers: Dying without purpose.
Loonies: Dying without a punchline.
Psychopaths: Seeing a Cyber-Knight.
Munchkins: Level drain.

When selecting background music for a Rifts game...

Real Men: Pick AC/DC or the Heavy Metal sound track
Real Roleplayers: Pick the Bubblegum Crisis original score
Loonies: Pick anything from Frank Zappa
Psychopaths: Pick the Clockwork Orange soundtrack
Munchkins: Go through the GM's books picking out bigger guns while everyone else picks the background music.

Favorite Thing to Do at a stone Pyramid:

Real men: Heal himself
Real Roleplayers: Learn from the healers and mages there
Loonies: Paint it bright pink
Psychopaths: Remove the keystone so the whole thing falls down on itself, killing everyone inside
Munchkins: Shrink down to pocket size, then use it as a tent when he's travelling.

An average character's theme music:

Real Men: Search and Destroy by Metallica
Real Roleplayers: Almost anything by Sarah McLachlan
Loonies: Dare to be Stupid, Weird Al
Psychopaths: Anything classical (They never see you coming...)
Munchkins: The Beavis and Butthead Soundtrack

When meeting a stranger on the road:

Real Men: Wave hello while keeping their hands on their guns (it might be a trap).
Real Roleplayers: Wave hello while keeping their hands away from their guns (he might think that's hostile).
Loonies: Stop using Concealment to hide rocks long enough to wave hello.
Psychopaths: Don't just wave hello, but invite them to sit down and have lunch with them before palming a vibro-blade out of their coat sleeve.
Munchkins: Start a fight.

When faced by bandits (Hey, does anyone know the entomology of the phrase "Stand and Deliver"?):

Real Men: Start a fight.
Real Roleplayers: Hand over their gear, as their Gnome Wilderness Scout can't stand up in a fight.
Loonies: Don't do much because no one lets them have any valuable gear.
Psychopaths: Pull a vibro-blade, turn to the party, and say "You heard the man, give us your gear."
Munchkins: Don't sweat it because they can always call their Pain Elemental-powered Soul Drinking Rune Long Gun back thanks to the mental nond that took two seconds to form.

When faced by a pissed-off Mega-Juicer:

Real Men: Break out the Heavy Plasma Cannon.
Real Roleplayers: Pretend to panic, kneel before the Mega-Juicer, beg his forgiveness, and then punch random buttons on his the external control for his Bio-Comp.
Loonies: Cast Negate Poisons/Toxins, just to see if it would work...
Psychopaths: Blame it on the Real Roleplayer.
Munchkins: Yells at the GM when he says that the newly designed TW Annihilate Cannon that he made "back at that town a ways back" doesn't work.

When faced by a pissed-off GM:

Real Men: Break out Ghoull's Guide to Taking Everyone Else Down With You.
Real Roleplayers: Don't need Ghoull's Guide because they either don't piss off the GM or already have it memorized.
Loonies: Kiss their whoopie-cushin goodbye.
Psychopaths: Kill the party (after all, they were going to do it anyway...)
Munchkins: Don't pay attention to little things like the attitudes of the other players.

Our heroes have been traveling for days on foot without seeing another living soul. Suddenly, they come across a damaged, recently abandoned but still functional APC. The...

Real Men: readies his plasma rifle and looks for what caused the damage.
Real Roleplayers: readies his thinking cap and looks for clues as to why the crew left.
Loonies: readies his box of Band-Aids and tries to repair the damage.
Psychopaths: readies his tool kit, and sets the nuclear engine to explode when the next person comes along.
Munchkins: readies his Bags of Holding (from AD&D) and loots the APC for anything of value.

General Opinion of Rifts:

Real Men: Like the Triax and CWC books, but aren't happy with the power creep that keeps their characters buying new gear.
Real Roleplayers: Really wish there was a Scholar/Adventurer sourcebook or have given up on Rifts entirely.
Loonies: Can't get enough of the Crazy class and the Mindwerks book, but don't get why there are no suitable weapons for them.
Psychopaths: Like the way the game caters to cold-blooded slaughter of monster hordes but wish there were more material on Atlantis and the Pheonix Empire.
Munchkins: Demand to play it whenever AD&D isn't available.

When entering battle:

Real Men: Rain righteous death upon their enemies.
Real Roleplayers: Have already won by taking out the enemy's support troops, cutting off their supply lines, and mining the road that the enemy has to use to approach the battlefield.
Loonies: Provide covering fire for the Real Men with their Nerf Guns and water weenies.
Psychopaths: Have probably just been taken down by the Real Roleplayer in a pre-emptive strike to prevent some stupid back-stabbing maneuver. That, or they hang in back and let everyone else do the fighting, prefering to pick the bodies over once the fight's over.
Munchkins: Complain that nothing challenges their True Atlantean Undead Slayer Cosmo-Knight anymore, much to the dismay of everyone else at the table.

Real Men go Christmas Shopping:

Real Man: That little old lady is about to get the last Furby! Body Block/Tackle!
Real Roleplayer: While everyone brawls with the Real Man for the last Furby, I pick the lock to the storeroom, and steal several crates of Furbies that the Evil Store Manager had hidden to drive up prices. Then I take them to the nearest inner city and pass them out to disadvantaged youths while lecturing them about drugs and (blah blah blah).
Loony: I enter the store wearing a cardboard box, and pass myself off as a Furby.
Psychopaths: I replace the "Warning: Under Construction" signs over the open elevator shaft with signs that say "More Furbies This Way."
Munchkins: Gosh, I hope my mommy buys me a Furby for Christmas!

Real Men meet the Angel of Death

Real Man: DIE, WITCH! EAT MINI-MISSLE VOLLEYS!
Real Roleplayer: Using the Psychoanylize skill of my own design, I rehabilitate Angel and her adopted daughter, turning them to the side of good, and making them happy, productive members of society. I then go on to (blah blah blah blah).
Loony: I hit on her.
Psychopath: I bitch-slap her. With my forearm vibro-sword extended.
Munchkin: He's gonna hit on her? EWWWWW! That's groty! Girls have, like, COOTIES!

Real men go to Russia

Favorite OCC

Real Men: Bogatyr and Heavy Machines
Real Roleplayers: Traveling Storyteller, Russian Villager, Gypsy Layer of Laws, Catholic Priest... They just have a field day with these books.
Loonies: Ectohunter ("Who ya gonna call?")
Psychopaths: Necromancer and Gypsy Thieves
Munchkins: Thunderstorm Heavy Artillery Cyborg

Favorite Weapon

Real Men: AR-M36 Rifle Mini-Missile Launcher
Real Roleplayers: Vibro-Polearm
Loonies: AR-210 Grapeshot Cannon, but get mad after picking it as they misunderstood the name.
Psychopaths: AR-110 Razor Disk Cannon
Munchkins: Any Servo-Rig mountable weapon with at least three other weapons duct taped to it and rigged to fire from one trigger.

Favorite Spell

Real Men: Ballistic Fire
Real Roleplayers: Any and all Nature Magic
Loonies: Enchant the Mighty Rooster (with a name like that, who cares what it does?)
Psychopaths: Any and all Necromantic and Spoiling Magic
Munchkins: Doesn't matter since they have them all.

Favorite Monster/Creature

Real Men: Man-Wolf, because nothing's better than reliving The Howling.
Real Roleplayers: Domovoi, since even Real Roleplayers need an occasional break from saying they clean up their room every day.
Loonies: Water Demons, since the creatures cause them to actually get some real use out of their sponge-like Nerf weapons.
Psychopaths: Don't care which, since they probably have made a pact with them all anyway.
Munchkins: The Rusaka ("Huh huh huh. Half-naked chick...)

Favorite New Equipment

Real Men: Servo-Harness Rig
Real Roleplayers: The Field Equipment List
Loonies: Ecto Sensor and jump suit for their Ectohunter. ("What are you supposed to be, some kind of a Cosmonaut?")
Psychopaths: Anything that starts with the word Knife.
Munchkins: Don't pay attention to equipment

Feelings Towards the Warlords

Real Men: Brothers in arms, though they could stand to be a little less brutal to the peasent folk.
Real Roleplayers: Evil, but neccessary, dictators who should be overthrown, if it wasn't for the fact that they are the only things keeping the normals alive.
Loonies: Don't care.
Psychopaths: Brothers in arms, though they could probably squeeze more out of the peasant folk.
Munchkins: Targeted for conquest.

Feelings Towards the Gypsies

Real Men: Don't like anyone not willing to give a full day's work.
Real Roleplayers: Think they are some of the best set of classes in the books.
Loonies: Would be fawning over them if the Ectohunter hadn't been in there.
Psychopaths: Always glad to see them. After all, no one will miss them.
Munchkins: What's a Gypsy? Can I get my brain put in that Thunderstorm now?

Feelings Towards the Sovietski

Real Men: Commie Bastards
Real Roleplayers: The true hope for Mother Russia.
Loonies: Commie Bastards
Psychopaths: Commie Bastards
Munchkins: Would say Commie Bastards if they were old enough to care about Commie Bastards.

In The First Campaign

Real Men: Play their Cyborg to the hilt and get killed by a rampaging demon.
Real Roleplayers: Play their Villager to the hilt and get killed in the first fight.
Loonies: Play their Ectohunter to the hilt and get killed by whoever gets tired of Ghostbuster references first.
Psychopaths: Play their Necromancer to the hilt and get killed by whoever meets them first.
Munchkins: Play their Thunderstorm to the hilt (they're there to shoot stuff) and don't get killed because the thing is as nimble as a jackrabbit (PP: 8) 1 or will be by the time the Munchkin gets through with it.

In the Second Campaign

Real Men: Play a different Cyborg and get killed by a rampaging demon.
Real Roleplayers: Play a Cyborg and don't get killed.
Loonies: Play another Ectohunter with pretty much the same results.
Psychopaths: Play a Night Witch with pretty much the same results as their Necromancer.
Munchkins: Play an exact copy of their Thunderstorm to the hilt and get hit by a Cow from Space.

The arch-types go Christmas Shopping

Real Men : Buy ammo reloads for all of their friends' cool weapons.
Real Role-players: Buys their friends books and if they don't know how to read teaches them.
Real Loonies: Buys swimming lessons for the Vampires down the street.
Real Psychopaths: Since it's the holidays decides to kill their friends quickly instead of slowly torturing them to death.
Real Munchkins: To busy blowing things up to have friends.

At the Splynn Dimensional Market

Real Men: Stroll casually through the market, unafraid of demons since he snuck into the Real Roleplayer's tent last night & stole his gurgoyle costume
Real Roleplayers: Wonder how the Real Man got past all his security measures.
Loonies: Dart between this end & that, wondering why nobody ever made Rune Nerf Weapons, while also looking for someone who can remove some of the curses faerie folk placed on him (like it's his fault they resemble some of his favorite edible flowers). Decides he rather enjoys orange skin.
Psychopaths: Glad to "finally be among kindred souls," looks for the nearest slaver. Then heads off in search of a good transmutation chamber to get some power "the easy way."
Munchkins: Laughing at the "weak" greatest Rune weapons, wonder if anyone knows where he can find Splynncryth since he's eager to try out his Splugorth-sized Hemlet of Submission.

Upon confronting Splynncryth:

Real Men: Are glad that they got those silver rounds for their robot vehicle's rail gun(s), & begin to rain righteous death upon the evil Intelligence, confident that the Real Roleplayer has a "Plan B" just in case he runs out of ammo.
Real Roleplayers: Stand in the background using either Invisibility or Chameleon, waiting for the right moment to strike, while also making sure that all the complex traps, red herrings, distractions, ect. keep the Minions at bay just long enough.
Loonies: Attempt to convince "Splynnie" to try on the custom-made monocle they spent the last 2 days making.
Psychopaths: Hide along with the Real Roleplayer, also waiting for the right moment to strike (against the other PCs). Wishes they had bought those silver-plated knives before.
Munchkins: Wishes everybody would get out of the way so that he could use the mega particle-beam cannon (2D6x1 million MDC) on his re-fitted "Super Death Star."

On Halloween, Real Men...

When picking out costumes on Rifts Earth...

Real Men: Dress up as a Julian Amici or Ishtar.
Real Roleplayers: Dress up as Erin Tarn or Plato (pin stripe suit, green shark-skin tie, and slicked back hair).
Loonies: Dress up as a Flooper or Zembahk.
Psychopaths: Dress up as whatever their last victim was wearing.
Munchkins: Dress up as E. Gary Gygax.

Favourite candy to find in their bag...

Real Men: Jawbreakers.
Real Roleplayers: Jelly beans.
Loonies: Those fucking caramels that are always half melted.
Psychopaths: Lady's fingers.
Munchkins: +14 Swords of Beat-anything.

When accosted for their candy by head hunters in Jar Jar masks...

Real Men: Pull the pulse rifle out of their pillowcase and whup some ass.
Real Roleplayers: Try to convince the head hunters that the kids down the street have more candy.
Loonies: Start screaming "Floop! Floop!"
Psychopaths: Turn on the party and calmy shoot them for their candy.
Munchkins: Will the head hunters out of existence.

When putting things in the candy apples they give out to hand to the neighbour kids...

Real Men: Paint hand grenades with red glaze.
Real Roleplayers: Use a slow acting neurotoxin that degrades after the victim dies bleeding from their eyes.
Loonies: Hand out red colored rocks with the words "Apply to skull" labelled clearly on them.
Psychopaths: Screw the apples and invite the kids in for cake and...
Munchkins: Hit 'em with their +12 Vorpal Sword of Blatantcy as soon as they open the door.

Favorite thing with which to spike the punch:

Real Men: Everclear, or 110 proof vodka.
Real Roleplayers: Prozac
Loonies: Liquid Ex-Lax
Psychopath: Potassium cyanide
Munchkins: "How many experience points do I get if I..."

Favorite costume:

Real Men: Knightly armor, or grim-reaper type robes.
Real Roleplayers: Go as Romeo, MacBeth, or similar Shakespearian character.
Loonies: TP toga.
Psychopath: Jeffrey Dahmer. And hand out hor'deurves of everyone else.
Munchkins: "How much experience do I get if I...."

Favorite Halloween Movie:

Real Men: An American Werewolf in London/Paris or slasher films.
Real Roleplayers: Either "The Changeling" or classic 1930s horror films
Loonies: Deliverance
Psychopaths: Stolen crime scene videos (alt, Faces of Death)
Munchkins: Home videos (Hey, it scares everyone else!)

Favorite Tattoos:

Real Men: Love 'em! Favorites are Chain with a Broken Link (supernatural strength), Three Lightning Bolts (fire lightning bolts) and Heart In Chains (limited invulnerability), and all monster and magic weapon tattoos.
Real Role-players: Finds the practice of mutilating one's body for magic powers distasteful, but they do like Eye of Knowledge (language and literacy) and Three Eyes (supernatural vision).
Loonies: Loves Monster: Clown (the scariest monster out there!)
Psychopaths: Simple Weapon: Knife, or Touch of Death. When they least expect it.... hahaha....
Munchkins: Have a extra large yet easily concealable and easily reachable tattoo that costs 10 PPE to activate but is the equivalent of all the power tattoos, every type of ancient in magic weapon, every monster from CB1, and every animal from Monsters and Animals.

Preferred Martial arts

Real Men: Has to give them access to Body Hardening and Martial Art Techniques, as well as solid combat bonuses.
Real Roleplayers: meditatively focused, likely to involve Chi mastery.
Loonies: Ti Kwan Leap; Boot to the Head, or pinky kung fu.
Psychopaths: anything that can get them Dim Mak and Negative Chi mastery.
Munchkins: Has the mutant power 'Natural Cambat Ability' plus Sonic speed, and knows all martial Arts powers.

You can tell you've been playing RIFTS for too long when:

Real Men: try to fight somebody three times their size and forget that they DON'T have a particle beam cannon.
Real Roleplayers: accidentally mistake Emperor Prosek for Hitler and the CS Army for the SS in a history paper.
Loonies: can't distinguish RIFTS™ from reality anyways.
Psychopaths: go around school and say, "My gun's bigger than yours, Xiticix scum!"
Munchkins: ask somebody if they can borrow 6D2 to ride the train home and pretend they can shapeshift into thousands of fire ants to steal your food.

Favorite Drugs:

Real Men: Boing-go, Mega, Rush, and Crash for the super strength and speed.
Real Roleplayers: don't do drugs.
Loonies: Juice since they are already wannabes of everything.
Psychopaths: PCP or LSD since they already think they can fly.
Munchkins: smoke a bowl at the game to make their characters seem even more tripped out than they already are.

Comments

[ciderbarrel.livejournal.com]

I have Rifts and some rifts compatable books.

It's a pretty well rounded "any-genre" type of RPG. There are rules setup for pretty much any setting.

Steampunk with dnd weapons and monsters with modern firearms? Check! It can be done

Want to throw in Big Giant Robots? Check!

[l-u-d-g-e.livejournal.com]

What about renegade income tax auditors? *shudders* :>

[tirsden.livejournal.com]

LMAO... funnnn... sounds like Shadowrun but with a much bigger area to play. XD

I want a Death Star man. Except I already killed all my underlings in a fit of rage. Who's gonna drive it!? >D

[tirsden.livejournal.com]

Heh heh... sounds like something a Loonie would do... wait... more like a Psychopath. Yup. Definitely.

[ciderbarrel.livejournal.com]

Actuially, yes, you can do that.